Halfway Through Austin

When I decided to make the move to Austin, I signed a 6-month lease. I had no clue where I would be after the 6 months, and I still don't. I'm figuring that out as I go. For now, here's how the first half of Austin, Texas, has been:

MONTH ONE

I’ve been in Austin for 1 month now. So far I’ve decorated my apartment, discovered how expensive living alone is, started to learn to like cooking, found a new gym, and worked a lot. Like a lot. I’m writing this at The Domain outside of a cute cafe in the perfect 80-degree weather. My life is getting to where I want it to be. 

Don’t get me wrong, it’s not perfect. But I’m doing my best to create magic moments every day. I haven’t made any friends here yet - unless you count the old lady who yelled at me on my balcony and my neighbor who left wine on my doorstep (should I tell her I’m 19?). Oh, and there was a guy I befriended at the gym, but that location closed before I ever got his last name (trust me, I tried the insta stalking method without it - no go).

I think my antisocial battery is running out. It’s Friday night and I’m used to spending Friday nights alone at this point, but I do wish that I had someone to call to hang out with. It’s a weird feeling knowing that I have no one to go to even if I wanted to. Even in Utah, I knew I could find someone to do something with at any point with a few phone calls, even if it was a shallow encounter. Here, I have no one to call.

This sort of isolation is strange. It’s equally lonely and liberating. No one knows who I am. I have total anonymity. I can be whoever I want to be here, and no one has an opinion of me. No one speaks badly of me because no one speaks of me.

But, no one knows who I am. No one speaks of me. No one wonders what Bethany is up to tonight or if she wants to hang out. It’s a position I never saw myself being in and it’s taking some getting used to. The growth I’m seeing from being entirely on my own is incredible. Growth isn’t comfortable in this instance (is it really ever?) but I can’t wait to discover the strength that it brings me.

It just doesn't feel normal. 

Thankfully in this case, I’m not looking for normal. I came here searching for a new beginning. I’m still trying to figure out what that means. I don’t know where I fit into the puzzle here- I feel like an island. My outlet is the fair weathered friend that is social media. It does get a little draining only experiencing others through a screen and only being involved over social platforms. I’ve had to keep my mental health in check because of this which is teaching me a lot about self regulation. It’s amazing to see already how everything I’m encountering is directly challenging a part of me that I need to work on. This is a time of serious change. 

I genuinely am very happy here. But I've also cried a lot. I came here to focus on work, but it’s starting to feel unbalanced. Like work is all I do. The work overwhelm coupled with isolation is leading to feeling quite burnt out at times. 

I try to remember my purpose when I start to feel like this. Of course it sucks to be alone in your apartment working away for crazy hours. But knowing why? That makes all the difference. Knowing I will come out on the other side better than ever- that keeps me going. Knowing that I will never be where I was and that I have grown so much in even just the past few months gives me the encouragement I need to step out of my fear.

MONTH TWO

I just got back from my second trip up to Utah. It’s almost 2 months since I moved to Austin. I met a few more people this month. Most of them have been 40 year old men on the street or at the gym who think they’re slick but hey, at least it’s entertaining.

I have gone on 3 whole dates (look at me go). Just my luck, none of them actually live in the state. It's incredible how that is not contributing to my friend population here. But, each time I did get to experience a new part of the city doing things I never would have done on my own. A win in my books.

Coming back from Utah has reminded me just how much I love it here. I love the anonymity. I said that above in month one, but I feel it even more now. Stepping off the plane, I felt powerful knowing that absolutely no one knew who I was. Not a single person's opinion mattered to me. Nothing anyone could do would shake the quiet confidence that I had. How in the world could their opinion matter to me? I’ve got an entire life they don't know about.

I’ve been feeling that more and more lately. It’s an incredible feeling that I aspire to emulate in every moment of my life. I tend to get caught up in what people think of me, especially in Utah. It’s frankly exhausting to watch my every word, action, and expression to tailor it to what I want people to think of me. It’s a trait that I’m here to rework.

I've also gotten really good at taking myself out on little dates and romanticizing literally everything I see. I promised myself I would find magic here and I really am. It's gorgeous. It's warm. I'm happy.

Career wise, things have been taking off in a way that I never expected. I thought it was going well in Utah but I had no idea the possibilities until I moved. I’ve been working with brands more than ever, I’ve more than doubled the amount of social media clients I have, I don’t do photography nearly as much, and my career is really just moving in a different direction. 

The loneliness comes and goes along with the burnout but they're getting fewer and farther between. I think I'm getting the hang of this.

MONTH THREE

I maybe shouldn’t be writing this in the mindset that I’m in right now because I don’t want it to come off as negative. I still do love it out here but I’m feeling a combination of restlessness and being overwhelmed. I can’t figure out if I need to do more or less.

I’m also feeling weirdly guilty and embarrassed about not having made friends out here. Well, I’ll correct that by saying I have made one girlfriend out here (Hey, Helen) but she’s moving to mother freaking England. So, back to square one.

Date-wise, all the dating apps have been deleted for the sake of what I started calling “independent girl summer”. I’m about 2 days away from calling that off because Hinge was my only source of socialization. But, maybe now it will force me to talk to people on the street and meet them more organically. Now I’m the weirdo that comes up and talks to cute girls. If anyone in Austin is reading this, this is your permission slip to text me and come hang out. Please don't make me resort to pickup lines.

Anyways, back to the weird guilt and embarrassment. When I tell people that I’m feeling a bit lonely out here and they ask what I’ve been doing to make friends, I have to tell them that I’m not doing much. Still just working away. And I feel bad about it. I mean how can I complain when I’m doing nothing to solve my situation? I guess I’ve just been banking on that “attract don’t chase” mindset a little too much. 

Last week I got back from my 3rd trip up to Utah and I haven’t felt right since. While I was up there I was with people constantly. Literally scheduling people in, out til 2 am every night, or even just around people at the office (I'm still working for a company in Utah as their social media manager, and I pop into the office to work while I'm up there). I’m SO incredibly grateful for the friendships that have continued to become stronger with people up in Utah. I think it was just a shock to me - going from my little bubble of safety to a polar plunge into a social life was disorienting.

I’ve gotten too comfortable in my solitude. I mentioned recently on my story that it had been a few days since I had talked face to face with another human, and that's actually pretty normal for me right now. I almost prefer it that way. It's peaceful and uncomplicated.

I don't think I actually know how to let people in without going back to that place of doubting and comparing myself. And I'm really scared of going back there. I see a new type of glow in myself that I never want to lose.

Even though the friendships that I’ve chosen to keep and strengthen are amazing and healthy, I think my mindset is stunting the fulfillment that could be possible.

So, it looks like we’re reaching another level in this game. We’ve mastered alone time and now it’s time to master keeping my center strong as I reintroduce other people into my amazing little life I’ve created. It’s like letting a puppy onto white furniture (just follow me on this for a sec): The puppy is so much fun and brings light and excitement but it also messes up your perfectly placed pillows and gets dirty paw prints on the furniture you just finished cleaning. I just gotta get over it and learn how to use a lint roller to keep my mind neat in the process. You following?

To wrap up Month Three, I’ll just be honest about the day I’ve had today. I woke up and walked a few miles on my hot girl walk. I was fully prepared to knock out a bunch of work to prep for Monday tomorrow and come into the new week swinging. But, as the walk wound down so did my mood. If you know me, you know my struggle with my bad back and it’s been quite the mood killer lately. Sitting down at my desk felt a little too overwhelming pain-wise so I laid on the floor and did some yoga for a bit to attempt to lessen the flare-up. Unfortunately, then I let my mind get away from me and wandered down a rabbit hole that started with frustration about my body and its functionality and ended with me crying over a plate of zucchini noodles. Nothing I did after that could really snap me out of it. I even tried Starbucks while watching the sunset (that’s how you know it's a serious injury, not even my go-to fix worked). I’m usually a crier but I haven’t really needed to lately - until today clearly.

That’s a pretty good indicator of change for me. When something needs shifting it makes sense that I’ll feel uncomfortable and frustrated.

I've learned that it usually manifests in tears in some way (which I used to be annoyed with but it's now quite helpful). No amount of journaling and meditation was stopping the flood gate that had been opened today. While it sucked in the moment, I think that I’ll be grateful for it and see it’s purpose soon.

I can’t help but feel like I’m moving into a new chapter. 

I'll see ya in Month Four!

xoxo, Bethany