Here to Stay

TW: This blog deals with sensitive subjects such as suicide and SA.

Note: "2 years ago today" means March 10, 2020, which is technically a week ago. I started writing on March 10, 2022 but I couldn't find the words I wanted to say until now.

It was 1:00 am and I was up with my thoughts. Exhaustion fought to close my eyes but my mind was too loud to sleep. Two years ago today, I was a 17-year-old girl. A girl inwardly determined to reach for the stars but found herself cracking on the way there.

That night, I gathered the courage to text a single word, anything to reach out from under the crashing waves of hurt that were swallowing me whole. A terrifying, vulnerable ordeal to admit to myself, and - heaven forbid - the people around me, that I could not do this alone. My resounding message to the universe: “Hey”. It was the simplest of pleas, but one that was never heard.

You see, my parents had very specific views about technology, and there was no question that those views would be enforced. Every night, with no exception, my phone's data would turn off at 11:30 pm. If I was out, lost, or in this case, in trouble, there was precisely jack shit I could do (my parents didn't believe in WiFi at the time). So, on this dark and stormy night, my access to the outside world - a world outside of the deafening thoughts in my head - was shut off. When I did finally manage to scrape together some coherent thoughts out of my spiral, I sent a text to my then boyfriend as the clock struck 12:07. "Hey". He would never receive it, and an hour later I was in the hospital from an attempted overdose.

To put it frankly, that 17-year-old version of me felt isolated and demoralized. When I went to bed on the night of March 9th, 2020, I wasn’t planning on taking my life. But, what choice did I have? Keep waking up to the same feeling of dread over and over again? No, I was done. Just so utterly done. At this point, I was just resigned to the fact that the ache in my heart was permanent. Months of physical and mental exhaustion from an unkind mind in an unkind world had worn me down to paper. I felt fragile and unsteady.

The smile on my face and the pep in my step as you passed me in the hallways at school would tell a different story. "Hi, I’m Bethany! Are you coming to the game on Thursday? These early morning cheer practices are insane. Let's go to lunch today! Sorry, I can't tonight, I have honors chem homework, and I have to submit a few more forms to make sure I graduate with my full associates. Yes, I'm the president of DECA, you should come by! Oh this? It's from my jewelry brand, Ivy Wall. Omg yes, I'd love to schedule a photoshoot with you! " My life, in theory, was rather fun, and I had a lot of things going for me.

I hesitate to say I was living a lie, because all of those things were true - it just wasn’t the whole story. My emotions were truthfully very fragile from years of being worn down at home, living in a household that I could never seem to be good enough for, coming home to a dad who could talk me into tears in an instant just to prove a point. I was picking up the pieces of my innocence from the assault a month prior, still trying to figure out which way was up after losing that part of me so abruptly (on top of the already circulating rumors that I would kiss any boy that tried, and might even take my top off if you asked). Quite simply, I felt completely inadequate in every area of my life, I felt rejected by my peers, and I was losing the fight for my life.

These experiences, and these emotions will stay with me forever. I can never forget that consuming ache in my heart. But, while my heart is branded with the shape of those fears and that pain, they no longer sit behind the wheel of my life and they don't define where this car is going. I'm not afraid of them. While they played a painful, but impactful role to shape who I am today, they don't overshadow my joys, my success, my authenticity, my constant growth, my curiosity, and my inherent goodness.

It’s exactly 2 years later and I made it out of Utah. I now live in Austin, Texas. I’m whoever I want to be here. I’ve had two years to learn incredible lessons from the turbulent waters I have swam through.

There are times where I get overwhelmed. Times it seems that my ocean has more storms than most people. Times I wonder if my life has been unfair or times I find myself jealous of people who seem to have things smoothed over for them and can swim great lengths with no effort in their calm water. Sometimes, I get angry that the universe seems to have set me up with a life that would see me fail and a mind that tries to sabotage the light I'm over here trying to find.

For every time my mind falls that way, it’s eventually brought to amusement by the fact that my life is going to be anything but normal. How can I expect a “normal” shaping process for a unique piece?

I’ve now accepted that Austin is the first stop on a long list of destinations. I want to see a million versions of the world, from a million different heights and perspectives and climates. I want to take a thousand pictures everywhere I go so I’ll never forget the friends, mistakes, and memories I’ve made. I want to feel every raw second of life in excruciating, high-definition detail. I want to take everything I can get; I got too close to losing it all. With the bad, I take the good. With the adventure, I take the chance of getting lost. With the joy, I take the suffering.

I’m here to live. I’ll probably mess up a lot, but the wonderful thing about messing up is that the more I mess up, the more I’m trying. The bigger I mess up, the higher I was aiming. One of these times, my relentless shooting in the dark is bound to work out and something will click. I'll wake up and I’ll be peaceful, alive, and ready to take it on.

I want there to be a reason I lived. Who better to give me a reason than myself? I'm taking this one into my hands and stating loud and clear that the universe was right to let me live that night. I’m creating a life that proves the universe right - that I’m here to stay.