Such A Try Hard

There’s something about the word “try hard” or “wannabe” that rubs me the wrong way. If there’s anything that would get under my skin, it would that.

Over the past month, I’ve had several conversations with people who knew me in high school, and that was their general consensus. Anything I did bothered them because “oh my gosh, she’s such a try-hard.”

Any success I had was overshadowed by the notion that I was ‘trying too hard’.

It was frustrating to hear them say that I was trying to be someone I’m not. 

My question then became, “Why in the world am I offended by that?” Because I absolutely am a try-hard. I try hard at everything I do. I do things that I am by no means qualified to do, and I do them with 100% effort. I auditioned for The Voice when I was 15 and started a business that same year, I made cheer my Senior year when I hadn’t cheered a day in my life, I was a theater kid who performed my heart out every time, I made business my whole personality and became my schools sterling scholar, and I tried really hard to make friends and be good at everything I did.

You know what, I hope that people look at me and say, “she’s trying too hard”. Because life is too short to not try with everything you have. 

I’m still a try-hard. I’m still a wannabe. Because I want to be something great. In every phase of my life, I try something bigger and become something better. Do you know who doesn’t? People who watch and call you a try-hard. Those are the people who are stuck. They are the ones who are threatened by effort outside of the norm. What’s seen as “cringey” this year will be the major trend next year. Those seen as intense this year will be the ones on magazine covers in 5 years. 

“They don’t make statues of critics”. 

The “nonchalant” or “too cool to try” attitude will never be mine. I reject that. I’m the driver, I’m the go getter and I will take what I want and build with it. If that makes people uncomfortable, so be it. If that makes it hard for me to fit in with people, so be it. I’m not here to make people comfortable.

I will not make myself a version that is more palatable.

I would be denying my intrinsic passions if I played anything but large. I don't want to sacrifice my life to be liked.

Truth be told, I am hurt by their words. I feel that I've always had a hard time fitting in and connecting with people, and it sucks that this is a major reason why. It’s not a fun feeling to hear that your quest for light was torn down in the eyes of your peers. 

But all is for my good. The universe is working tirelessly for my good. It’s showing me early on the power of standing on my own solid ground. Reaching outward for validation, checking through my side eye for approval, will never lead me to where I want to be. I could easily chill out and blend in. It would make it a lot easier for people to like me. I would be a lot less cringey, less intimidating, less exhausting. Fortunately for me, greatness never was normal. Excellence never was effortless. 

I feel like I’m finally letting go of the notion that my intensity, loudness and humor is annoying. I’ve been stuck in a place of telling myself how annoying I must be to everyone around me. “You’re too intense, lighten up. Why are you being so loud? You’re trying too hard, you’re sharing too much”. My mind repeats the pattern. 

But I’m learning to stop fighting against that. I wasn’t born to be subtle. I want to find the balance of being calm and centered while not feeling like I have to suppress the exciting, vibrant part of me. Grounded doesn’t mean boring. 

I think the difference is caring about whether or not people like the parts of me I express. 

“Confidence isn’t walking into a room and knowing everyone is going to love you, it’s knowing that you’ll be ok if they don’t”

What I won't be is desperate for approval. That's my great downfall. At the end of the act, lifting my face to the audience, watching for the right applause. 

What I’m beginning to do instead is choose more carefully what to share with everyone. Finding a balance of exclusivity so that only those who appreciate it have full access to the fun, intense, and dynamic parts of me. 

This new chapter is about not second guessing myself, not making up for things, talking over myself, offering explanations or apologizing. 

I’m filled with pride from the phrase “wannabe” now. I do want to be. I will be. 

I try hard to run my businesses, I try hard to learn new skills, I try hard to stay healthy, I try hard to create content, I try hard to relentlessly cultivate the life of my dreams. I am a try hard.

So if you've ever been told that you're too much, you're too intense, you're trying too hard- I can't wait to see how you change the world. 

xoxo, Bethany